Dating can seem to be a solution to the loneliness and anxiety at the core of the adolescent experience. Having a steady relationship can be a refuge from family tensions and prop up the shaky new “teen” identity. It can be a buffer against difficult interactions with peers and provide an opportunity to explore new feelings and sexual urges.

But this “solution” of dating has its own set of problems. Relationships are never entirely easy, at any age. Emotional neediness, coupled with a shaky sense of identity and anxieties about new feelings, can be overwhelming.

Emotional Neediness

Neediness can make the teen feel dependent and fearful about breaking up with a new dating partner. Dependency and fear can make people demanding. The hidden messages beneath the demands are:

• “Protect me from my neediness by never leaving me”
• “Protect me from my self-doubts by always being reassuring” 
• “Protect me from my urges by always satisfying them.”

When demands are frustrated, then people can become controlling and threatening. The underlying messages become,

• “If you don’t meet my needs, I won’t meet yours”
• “Prove that you love me.”

When a person has not yet developed social skills or good role models for how to deal with these feelings, they can lead to abusive tactics, including:

• emotional blackmail
• insults
• physical intimidation
• threats of abandonment

Another common defense against feeling dependent and scared is to pretend that it isn’t so and to insist that the other person is the “weak” one. To prove it, a person can insist on being the “strong one” who takes care of others who are “weak and problem-ridden.”

Alternatively, he or she can be emphatically independent, never sticking with a relationship, or never getting involved at all. These ploys usually are a cover for an inner neediness that is not being acknowledged.

A Shaky Sense of Identity

Most adolescents struggle with a shaky sense of their new identity. They have not had the time and experience to sort out their own identity from the teenager stereotype they have been impersonating.

Cultural stereotypes of the “ideal” male and the “perfect female” can be especially compelling and damaging. This can make for dating problems, as teens struggle with questions like:

• “How can I withstand the pressures of a relationship if I am unsure about myself?” 
• “How can I handle the danger of losing myself in the relationship?”

Teens need to discover who they really are and to gain confidence in asserting themselves to be able to sustain a relationship with another person.

Some teenagers do lose themselves. They center entirely on the other person, perhaps relieved to hand over to the other person the tough task of finding and asserting themselves. They find relief from their own confusion by taking on themes like:

• “I will be what you want” 
• “I will be all yours.”

Other teenagers defend against losing themselves by becoming:

• rigid and obnoxious
• unbending in their self-assertion
• inconsiderate of other persons’ feelings
• disrespectful of their rights.

Anxiety about Feelings and Urges

Another problem for teens is how to handle their moods, sexual urges, and feelings. Strategies of abstinence or indulgence can be problematic. Some adolescents try to cope by using alcohol, drugs or food to reduce or numb their feelings.

Others happen on equally destructive methods for distraction, like:

• rigid control of eating
• bodybuilding
• cutting
• retreating into lethargy

More constructive strategies can be an intense involvement with a sport, overemphasis on school and grades, or a single-minded pursuit of a goal.

Often teenagers go through an intense and painful relationship phase, ultimately pulling back from such relationships, at least for a while. This is not simply a negative reaction to being hurt. It can be a chance to recenter and to face their future.

In the aftermath of a breakup, the teen can regroup and integrate new information about him or herself. Lessons available at that time include:

• “I can survive the breakup of a relationship;”
• “I can assert myself;”
• “I can stand on my own two feet;”
• “I don’t have to be afraid of what others say about me.”
• “I don’t have to put up with abuse;”

• “I can deal with my feelings and urges without getting so scared.” 

Some teens put dating aside and become more focused on work or preparing for a career. They seek out friendships rather than intense relationships. They enjoy becoming more comfortable socially and being more assertive in a more effective and less demanding way.

They build confidence in themselves, especially around making decisions and taking care of themselves. They begin to define their own values. As elements of the next stage are established, new dating relationships become possible. These relationships have a much better chance of evolving into longer-term partnerships capable of handling the challenges and opportunities of adulthood.

The Need for Support

As teenagers experience the problems of neediness, shaky identity, and overwhelming feelings, and stumble through their first attempts at dating and relationships, it is very helpful to have the understanding and support of parents, other adults, the old peer group, newer friends, and new partners.

Parents can play a key role by continuing to love their children no matter what happens, by being realistic relationship “veterans” who have learned some things along the way, by:

• comforting them when they are hurt
• setting limits which may be fought against and yet appreciated
• encouraging their children to continue to pursue new experiences and relationships even though they may be painful 
• supporting the positive
• espousing values which will sooner or later become their children’s values
• not preaching or using their own experience as a “good” or “bad” example
• reminding their child of the bigger picture,

including preparing and supporting them as they attempt to move to the next stage of life - young adulthood.

Other adults - aunts and uncles, parents of friends, teachers, coaches, employers - also can be very important supports. These relationships, being less complex than parent relationships, can:

• give examples of other relationship possibilities
• contribute to an adolescent’s confidence about being able to function and be appreciated “out in the world,” 
• provide a helping hand as the adolescent moves toward young adulthood

The old peer group is there for support when the going gets tough with relationships. Many adolescents and adults reactivate their connection with their teenage cohort, especially when a relationship is problematic or breaking up. Keeping this option open can be important.

New friends provide support for moving ahead into the next phase of life - sharing the tensions, burdens, uncertainties and adventure. This can help teens avoid getting “stuck” in an unsatisfactory relationship rather than continuing to grow.

Within the group of new friends, there may be someone who can become a relationship partner who is likely to be “in sync” in terms of maturation and who can share the road ahead, whatever that may be - marriage, parenthood, or new career opportunities.

In Western culture, adolescence is a time to develop one’s unique identity, to find ways to manage intense feelings and desires, and to begin to discover the richness of intimate relationships. In a complex society, mastering these life tasks can be challenging and painful as well as exciting and rewarding. Parents, community, and friends can provide critical support during this difficult time.

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Sexual Rights	Explanations
The right to make your own decisions about being sexual (or not), regardless of your partner’s wishes.	This means that you can choose not to be sexual, even if your partner would like you to be sexual. This includes deciding not to be sexual with someone you have been sexual with before.
The right to make your own decisions about birth control and protection from sexually transmitted infections (STIs), regardless of your partner’s wishes; the right to make free and responsible reproductive choices.	This means that you can choose whether to use birth control and decide how to protect yourself. Making responsible reproductive choices also involves deciding if or when you and your partner would like to have a child. This includes the right to tell a partner that you will not have sex without birth control or without protection from STIs. Pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections shouldn’t “just happen.”
The right to stop sexual activity at any time, including during or just before intercourse.	This includes the right to make your own decisions about sexual activity, but it’s important to remember that “being sexual” is not an all-or-nothing deal. There are several levels of sexual activity. You can decide what you are comfortable with and engage in only those activities you want to participate in.
The right to tell anyone that you are not comfortable being hugged or kissed in certain ways.	Even if someone is related to you, they cannot force you to experience affection the way that they would like. You have the right to tell your relatives and other acquaintances how you are comfortable expressing affection.
The right to ask a partner if she or he has been examined for sexually transmitted infections (STIs).	Asking a partner about STIs doesn’t mean you’re accusing them of anything -- it means you’re being a responsible sexual person.
The right to tell a partner what you would like sexually or to tell a partner that you would like to be hugged, cuddled or touched without sex.	This means you have the right to talk to your partner about your wants and needs. It includes the right to tell a partner she or he is being too rough, and the right to be sensual without being sexual.
The right to masturbate.	You have the right to give yourself sexual pleasure; it’s not dirty, wrong or shameful. Your partner does not have the right to tell you not to masturbate.
The right to sexual autonomy, sexual integrity and safety of your sexual body.	This means you have the right to make decisions about your sexual life according to your own values. You have the right to be sexual without violence of any sort.
The right to sexual privacy.	This means you have the right to make your own decisions about sex -- as long as they don’t interfere with the sexual rights of others! This also includes the right to be examined by a doctor for sexual concerns without the doctor sharing that information with other people, except in extreme circumstances (like abuse).
The right to sexual equity.	This means you have the right not to be discriminated against based on gender, sexual orientation, age, race, social class, religion or physical and emotional disability. However, the sexual decisions you can make may be limited by these factors if they influence your capability to consent. For instance, a small child cannot give informed consent to anything sexual because she or he does not understand what that means. See Understanding Consent and Consensual Sex for more about consent.
The right to sexual pleasure.	Sexual pleasure isn’t shameful – it’s a natural part of being human. You need to make responsible sexual choices, but these can definitely include having sexual pleasure in your life.
The right to emotional sexual expression.	This means you have the right to express your sexuality in any way you choose, including communication, touch, emotions and love – not just through sexual acts.
The right to comprehensive sexuality education.	You have the right to be educated about sexuality – that education can help you make safer sexual decisions and know when to seek help should problems arise.
The right to sexual information based upon scientific inquiry.	This means that ethical studies of sexuality should be conducted, and the information gained from these studies should be available.
The right to sexual health care.	You have the right to be treated for any sexual problems you might have and to get preventive care to keep you healthy. You shouldn’t be prevented from receiving this care because of sexual orientation, disability status, race, class, age or other factors. Every state has laws about who can receive confidential reproductive services. Find out what the laws are in your state.

One thing it is important to remember is that although you have all of these rights, your parents, siblings, doctor and other trusted adults can still help you make good decisions about sexuality. They can provide valuable information and perspectives to help you as you begin making sexual decisions. Sometimes you have to seek out information. This Web site is a good place to start, and the adults in your life or your siblings might have other suggestions for how to find accurate information.